sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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