I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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