He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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