There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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