I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
