next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry my hands just texted you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
