The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
