a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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