no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
