i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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