Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
