I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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