I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
