We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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