I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
