If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
