SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
