If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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