Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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