When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My penis needs a shock collar
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
