I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
