Three words: puerto rican gang bang
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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