There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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