i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
