I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm really busy with my period
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