when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
