So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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