Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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