I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
