there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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