This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
