i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize