i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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