Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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