It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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