I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
