So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
