There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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