I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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