ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
