Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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