Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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