We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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