everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
