why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
