I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
