At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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