I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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