i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
