Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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