i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
