he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
