Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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